Head Games

These days, with every period (cycle) comes a wave of my migraine symptoms again. Since the migraine is all hormonally driven in my case, any slight change in the hormone levels seems to send me into a spin. It's kind of a little reminder that it's still there.

I was a bit worried about the arrival of this period. It is NEVER welcome mind you. For nearly two years now it's arrival each month has brought with it such disappointment. I knew however after all the ovary issues I've had in the past two weeks this one would be a particularly unpleasant one!

It arrived with gusto in the chemist yesterday. My head started aching early in the morning and was gaining turbulence by the minute. I was out having breakfast so ducked into the chemist to get some pain killers into my system quickly. When I tried to pay, I had a small *turn and couldn't speak. Usually on my 'bad' days my speech slurs or I stutter but this time, nothing.

I carry a note from my neurologist with me for such occasions but my body froze and I couldn't get it out of my purse. It's a really hard thing to try and explain to someone, especially when you can't talk! I feel like a drug addict on a high, and most probably look like one. I dread this happening in front of someone I know, but haven't seen for a while as I haven't told too many people about this.

The poor lady in the chemist didn't really know what to do about my momentary brain pause and tried to determine if I was going to pass out or vomit, all I could do was shake my head in slow motion.

The remainder of the day was spent chewing Imigran to try and aid my pounding head. Never mind the period pain I was so worried about!

Today I had to work, thank god my migraine had reduced to a bad headache so I got through ok. I couldn't possibly take another sick day.

Meanwhile, back down in ovary city....The IVF clinic have informed me that I will need daily blood tests and two or three scans for the next round, the transfer. I thought they said the frozen transfer process was supposed to be easier? And, more great news...I may also need to do a "HRT" cycle; more hormones in my system which means more days like these past few, if not worse. Enough already!

I just want to be well again. Well, and pregnant.

Too much to ask? I really have to hope that it's not.

* During the seizures or turns, I have speech loss/slurring which may last 5 minutes or the whole day, vertigo, my body becomes very heavy and I lose neck control (so I have to lean against a wall) and movements become slow. It is difficult to make eye contact or use my hands to communicate. It's like a little whizz fizz bomb goes off in my head. The actual fuzzy, fizzy bit only lasts about 30 seconds these days. At first, back in November they would last around 5minutes.

Perspective

So many times I completely lost my shit thinking I might have been pregnant. Embarrassing visits to the Dr for the morning after pill which would make you so sick it made you actually wonder for a brief flash which alternative was better?! And who can forget the "thank god I got my period" moments. Never before had I been so happy to have those familiar excruciating cramps in my loins.

Then, I got married. Suddenly it was ok to want to be pregnant and the idea of being a mum, which I had never previously let myself entertain seemed so possible, so probable, so real. After a little while my heart had firmly planted this seed and the idea of being a mum grew and grew to full a viable reality, a certainty. My want was overwhelming.

We tried and tried some more, we laughed, we wondered with naivety when it would happen for us. We thought of names and made lists. We put off trips and had our last big festival in preparation for the inevitable. Our friends and family meanwhile announced their impending new arrivals.

And everyone offered their advice. So. Much. Advice. Just chill out. You need to relax. That worked for me. You should take Vitamin E, C, B, Folate etc etc etc that worked for me.Are you seeing a naturopath/massage therapist/acupuncturist/nutritionist. That worked for me. Well yes, naturally they are all trying to help...but after 12 months clearly there are problems Vitamin E can't fix and frankly, you really don't want any more fucking advice. You just want to be pregnant. The most annoying thing is that most of the people offering you this advice have 3+ kids that were all conceived naturally or talk about the terrible, dark time they had 'trying' for 6months...

I was one of those people, I asked friends "When are you guys having kids?", "Don't you want kids?". I never thought for a moment that they might be having trouble, I never knew how common this problem was and how much pain my questions (on top of everyone else's) could cause. I oh so flippantly gave advice.

We tried some more because you know it does take time (so I have been told once or twice..) All the while,more advice came flooding in from 'helpful' well wishers and mother earths. All the while, whilst wondering what was wrong with me, I had to smile and congratulate the expanding group of new parents which seem to consist of everyone apart from us.

No one tells you that there is a possibility, in fact a really strong possibility that you might be one of those people who can't actually have children. There really isn't any way to prepare yourself. I can't even look back in hindsight and think 'Gee, I wish I'd read that self help book..'. Honestly, nothing could really help this feeling.

As you can imagine it was beyond any type of pain I have ever experienced when we found out we couldn't.

I can't say I was surprised because to be honest for the past few years, the God's haven't exactly been smiling on me. I feel like they played a cruel joke on me when I turned 30, they gave me the gift of an amazing partner ( I couldn't have built one better myself!). The potential 'He' was one thing I thought would always make my life worthwhile. In return it seems since then, they have slowly stripped me of everything else I held dear to me.Deep down I kind of knew the privilege of children would not be easily awarded to me.

The worst thing is that every time I start to feel sorry for myself I think of all the people so much worse off than me. But you know, this is just my story. It's not trying to be any better or worse than anyone else's, it's just mine.

I don't even think I can bring myself to post this right now. I don't want any calls or emails from friends with kind words. I don't know if I feel ashamed..what is it I feel? Just sad I guess.

I hope that one day soon I will be able to share this, one day when I can look back on this time - when it is my past, not my future.