Twisted

My transfer was set for 730am this morning.

Yesterday, the pain in my swollen stomach became very sharp. Sharp enough that I couldn't walk without limping and expelling anything through any orifice (sneezing, breathing, weeing...I'm sure you get the picture) was very uncomfortable. It's hard to know what to do as you expect a moderate level of pain through all of this, the common symptoms that they tell you to expect consist of (amongst others);

Nausea, constipation, shortness of breath, bloating, severe cramping, tiredness, dizziness as well as post operative pain......so at what point do you become concerned?

Anyway, I called the clinic and they seemed to think it was serious enough for me to leave work and head in for a check. It's hard to explain to your colleagues that you have to leave straight away with no explanation! This stuff is personal, I don't want everyone following every step. I don't want to have to share my pain and failures with too many people. Only those closest to us know about the IVF. I am afraid to tell people now as the times I have opened up, people have said the most stupid and hurtful things.

Upon examination Gyno developed a concerned look. I think she was more afraid of giving me more bad news than anything else. There are only so many tissues in her office. The verdict was that my ovary was swelling badly with a possibility of it twisting, losing blood supply. This would mean I would have to lose that ovary.

Why the fuck couldn't this bit just go smoothly, we were so close.

She said that I had to go straight home and lie down to reduce the chance of it twisting. I was to still go in at 730am this morning and she would decide then if we would go ahead with the transfer or cancel it and freeze my embryos. I cried loudly. She hugged me and apologised saying she just didn't want me to get sicker. If she did the transfer under the circumstances and I became pregnant I would end up in hospital for 3 months.

So, the pain continued all night and was still there when I went in for the transfer. Gyno decided not to go ahead today. I now have another wait of around 6 weeks until I can do another transfer from my frozen test tube babies. The good thing is that it will give my body and therefore the embryos the best chance of a pregnancy. This morning there were 2 great embryo's able to be frozen, the third was a little slower and they didn't have a smooch hope that it would pull through with it's siblings.

I am at home lying down on the couch trying to digest this new delay. I know it's for the best, it's still just so hard and I can't help but feel like I'm being punished again. I just wanted something to go right for us.

Some very good news just came in via a call from the scientists. All three of our little embryo's are able to be frozen, meaning I have three chances of getting pregnant without having to undergo surgery and the hormone injections again.

I'm already proud of them.

The Waiting and Waiting and Waiting Game

It's a strange thing. First, the trauma of the countless pregnancy tests and a rollercoaster of hope,despair, hope, despair. Then the desperation I felt being told there was no hope of becoming pregnant the old fashioned way. I thought THIS was rock bottom but I managed to pick myself up and carry on.

Then, the crazy random migraine thing hit which had a seemingly endless time frame. My emotional survival switched from IVF mode to recovery from crazy migraine thing mode. It's just so hard waiting. I would feel ok one week only to have a series of seizures and not be able to speak again for a week. I'd get better then worse, no end it seemed. I didn't really know if I'd have to wait a month or a year to start the IVF.

So, the strange thing is that we were so looking forward to the time we could actually begin the process! Most people dread it but I couldn't wait until I was well enough to get the show on the road (or in the ovary in this case).

So, in early March I was sick of being sick. I thought I would throw caution to the wind and get myself ready to start IVF at the end of the month. I had a visit with my GP to renew my referral to the Gyno. I was at the front desk paying, about to leave when the Dr called me back in. "I've just noticed you are due to have a pap smear, do you have time now?" she said. Sure, I said. Nothing to it.

Two days later I got the call back.

They had found abnormal cells, not in my cervix which is most common - but higher up in my uterus. AWESOME. I needed a biopsy with my Gyno. I cried in the surgery, at the front desk, walking to my car and in my car I called Charlie and crying turned to wailing. Why me? Why was I being punished?? I felt like I couldn't cope with any more bad news. I just needed a break. A "break" meaning I could get on with the most traumatic thing yet - IVF!

So the biopsy led to my Gyno telling me she thought it looked ok. PHEW! Charlie and I were high-fiving each other walking out of the office. We just needed some good news - actually just not getting bad news would suffice. I called the nurse at the IVF clinic to let her know that finally, I was ready to rock. It was actually going to happen! The nurse said she would call the Gyno to make sure we were all good to start proceedings.

She called me back with bad news..."I can't tell you any details, but you won't be going ahead this month. You need to see Dr tomorrow".

They found cancer cells in my uterus. I needed to have surgery to have them removed, a lovely procedure called a LLETZ. Teamed with that, Gyno decided to leave no stone unturned by carrying out two further procedures; a laproscopy and hysteroscopy to check out the remainder of my reproductive organs and make sure there were no nasty surprises lying dormant.

I had to wait another two months then before I started the IVF. It was another heartbreak having to put things off again. I felt like I'd never get there. I can constantly hear the clock ticking in the background, soon I'll be 34. Soon, my chances of conceiving even with IVF will decrease.

They always downplay the post operative pain. My stomach was filled with gasses (for clearer vision around my organs). This gas shot pain into my shoulder then back to my stomach every time I moved. Apparently this is a very common symptom and I admit they did tell me this however, jesus, I didn't know it would be so painful or last so long! My stomach looked similar to someone who was expecting - any minute - which added insult to injury! Fashion tip for anyone going through this, leggings and tent tops for winter, maxi dresses for summer.

Apart from finding some mild endometriosis all was well downstairs. All I had to do was buy a bulk pack of the largest pads I'd ever seen, avoid any penis's, tampons and movement and whacko the diddlio, all would be well.... in just 6- 8 weeks! Yay. In case you can't detect sarcasm, believe me it's there.

Perhaps this would be the last test before I would finally reach IVF?